I did ardently desire for an eight-day silence directed retreat after my adventures in Australia before I start a new page back home. How did I find out this retreat? Ask Google. Long story short, I found out the Jesuit retreat centre in Melbourne and attended. God’s grace to me has been tremendous. He has given me a very experienced spiritual director. Her experienced eyes and directions were just to the point where I needed most. I simply could not express in words my gratefulness towards her. On the last day, I found out she was actually the pastor for the Bali Nine death row prisoners who were executed in 2015. I hope I am not condemned to death yet that God has to send me such experienced guide to rescue me!
No matter what, this angel that He has sent me has helped me to recognize the Love and Joy that I have attained through my past and present encounter with God. And that has created in me a new, deep and fascinating bonding with Him. I did literally feel that I have moved from the Old Testament to the New Testament in this retreat. A new page that is written by God’s love, not by fear. Yet, I know that is just a fresh start. The foundation and principle that are recently unwrapped are still in the infancy stage. In order to let them grow and have deep roots, I still need His Spirit to help me to jump through all the hurdles that are to come.
To be frank, my move to Australia was never about the study. What could drive a PhD to pursue study a master? There might be a number of reasons, but for me, it was my desire to search. What was I searching? I could hardly tell. Perhaps it is a deep desire that I want to be a better self, yet I do not know what to do.
And that was when the transforming moment came - when I was scribbling in my journal, these words fell off from my pen,
“You do not need to do anything in particular.
Just to be with me.
And I know you’ll rejoice because of Love.”
“Look at the babies
They eat and drink and sleep
They do not need to solve calculus to be adorable,
Nor they need to know Schrodinger’s cat to be joyful.
It is that simplicity that makes them cute.
And they are great saints.”
“We are not born for a career, a ministry nor a particular person.
We are born from God as His dear sons and daughters.
We are born to glorify God by our lives.”
And a beautiful prayer did come up during my encounter with Him,
“Come, Holy Spirit, Come.
Drive me to the things that are closely bonded to God.
Guide me not to focus on the outcome of work, but rather do everything with joy.
For this joy is brought from the great love of you have for me.
And for that I could say “rejoice”!
Take my mind off the things that distract me from your love,
But take my being to show the glory of God.”
To me, these words are so powerful. Perhaps, they were just ordinary words. But to me, they were the powerful words that have connected the dots throughout my yearlong adventure in Australia. The whole year has made so much sense to me right now.
I came to Australia having the desire to discover more about myself, and what I can do for God. But now, I realized that it is through my past that I have received so much grace from God and I have a deeper desire to stay in His love. And by shifting the focus on His love, I have attained joy and peace. By knowing more of his love and grace, I get to know “I am what I am” (Philippians 4:4). And by total surrender to His Love and let it pull me forward (St. Augustine), I do not actually need to worry what I should do for God and be a better self. By taking up the armor of God, we’ll remain perfect in all things (Ephesians 6:13).
It is like even after the retreat, I got no concrete answers for what I could do for God, but I have found love. It’s his merciful love that I recognized that I do not need to do great things for Him, but just be one of His little ones and to do little things with great love (St Therese of Child Jesus). And so “in whatever situation I am to be content” (Philippians 4:11).
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