Year of 2018

Thank you, for coming into my life. 

This year has been incredible for me - nothing can be expected, but that’s what called to be an adventure.
There were many struggles, but there were also tonnes of grace.
And after a year’s time (or nine months), I have "back to clarity”. (Ref: my lovely landlady in Canberra 😛)
Or I should better say, I have learned another side of me. 

Thank you everyone who has entered into my life, and especially those I have encountered this year.
You all have inspired and shaped me to be the one I am.
No matter how you like it or not, 

By the grace of the Lord I am what I am, and I have learned that for whatever situation I am to be content. (1 Cor 15:10, Phil 4:11)
Let’s call this a year.

P.S. Nothing more majestic than a view like this!
(Photo was taken at Lake Tekapo, NZ)

When Love begins... (again :D)

After a yearlong study in Australia, I came to an eight-day silence directed retreat before I head back home for another new page in life. I am so grateful for the people who have prayed for me in this wonderful retreat and I’m thankful to say I have a super rewarding spiritual journey in these eight days. These eight days have been revolutionary for me, just like the process that a caterpillar took to transform into a butterfly. I did literally feel so different from the one eight days before the retreat.

I did ardently desire for an eight-day silence directed retreat after my adventures in Australia before I start a new page back home. How did I find out this retreat? Ask Google. Long story short, I found out the Jesuit retreat centre in Melbourne and attended. God’s grace to me has been tremendous. He has given me a very experienced spiritual director. Her experienced eyes and directions were just to the point where I needed most. I simply could not express in words my gratefulness towards her. On the last day, I found out she was actually the pastor for the Bali Nine death row prisoners who were executed in 2015. I hope I am not condemned to death yet that God has to send me such experienced guide to rescue me!

No matter what, this angel that He has sent me has helped me to recognize the Love and Joy that I have attained through my past and present encounter with God. And that has created in me a new, deep and fascinating bonding with Him. I did literally feel that I have moved from the Old Testament to the New Testament in this retreat. A new page that is written by God’s love, not by fear. Yet, I know that is just a fresh start. The foundation and principle that are recently unwrapped are still in the infancy stage. In order to let them grow and have deep roots, I still need His Spirit to help me to jump through all the hurdles that are to come.

To be frank, my move to Australia was never about the study. What could drive a PhD to pursue study a master? There might be a number of reasons, but for me, it was my desire to search. What was I searching? I could hardly tell. Perhaps it is a deep desire that I want to be a better self, yet I do not know what to do.

And that was when the transforming moment came - when I was scribbling in my journal, these words fell off from my pen,

“You do not need to do anything in particular.
Just to be with me.
And I know you’ll rejoice because of Love.”

“Look at the babies
They eat and drink and sleep
They do not need to solve calculus to be adorable,
Nor they need to know Schrodinger’s cat to be joyful.
It is that simplicity that makes them cute.
And they are great saints.”

“We are not born for a career, a ministry nor a particular person.
We are born from God as His dear sons and daughters.
We are born to glorify God by our lives.”

And a beautiful prayer did come up during my encounter with Him,

“Come, Holy Spirit, Come.
Drive me to the things that are closely bonded to God.
Guide me not to focus on the outcome of work, but rather do everything with joy.
For this joy is brought from the great love of you have for me.
And for that I could say “rejoice”!
Take my mind off the things that distract me from your love,
But take my being to show the glory of God.”

To me, these words are so powerful. Perhaps, they were just ordinary words. But to me, they were the powerful words that have connected the dots throughout my yearlong adventure in Australia. The whole year has made so much sense to me right now.

I came to Australia having the desire to discover more about myself, and what I can do for God. But now, I realized that it is through my past that I have received so much grace from God and I have a deeper desire to stay in His love. And by shifting the focus on His love, I have attained joy and peace. By knowing more of his love and grace, I get to know “I am what I am” (Philippians 4:4). And by total surrender to His Love and let it pull me forward (St. Augustine), I do not actually need to worry what I should do for God and be a better self. By taking up the armor of God, we’ll remain perfect in all things (Ephesians 6:13).

It is like even after the retreat, I got no concrete answers for what I could do for God, but I have found love. It’s his merciful love that I recognized that I do not need to do great things for Him, but just be one of His little ones and to do little things with great love (St Therese of Child Jesus). And so “in whatever situation I am to be content” (Philippians 4:11).

Moment of gratitude

Sometimes I felt I haven’t been here for long.
But sometimes I felt time has disappeared like a flash.

Tonight is a night of thanks.
Thank God for opening my eyes with all the new experiences and adventures.

And one thing I’m so thankful for the year is to know about Jesus Youth in Canberra.
I could see God’s presence and immense faith in many JY members.
And some of their sharing has deeply moved me.
I’m yet to know how this encounter will unfold in the future, but I’m certainly grateful to be part of JY.

While there are many ministries out there, I recalled I was totally amazed by the openness of one leader in a ministry.
"Do not let any ministry trap you.
You do not belong to that ministry, but you have only one identity - "You are the beloved son/daughter of God"
The ministry is only there to draw you closer to Him, not your identity.”

Thank you

Scarcity Tunnel

The story begins with a woman, who had suddenly lost her job and got divorced. So she worried about not having enough daily necessities for her and her children all the time. One day, she received a new credit card. She grabbed it right away and ran out to buy toilet papers and food that can last for months with the credit. She has forgotten that there were the electric bills standing out there. Without the ability to pay the expenses, she became in debt. And a vicious cycle began.

It might look insane to us to spend all the card credits to toilet papers while not paying electric bills. But this is caused by a “scarcity tunnel”, as introduced by the episode.

In the “scarcity tunnel”, as the podcast puts, one has a tunnel vision that one can only see the things he/she does not have. It is like covering the eyes of the horse with the “flip” so that it can only see the things ahead and not anything on the sideways. When one is having this scarcity tunnel vision, the thing that is lacking is on top of the head, and everything else is abandoned.

Of course, we might not be so scared about not having enough toilet papers (except when you’re stuck in the toilet without toilet papers) that we will accumulate toilet papers for months, but we all have our own fear. Fear of not being accepted in a social circle may lead us to put on a mask and act not as our true selves. Fear of failures may prevent us to try something new or take on a new role. Fear of insecurity may lead us to hold onto something worldly that does not really give us true security. Examples? Money, houses, cars, or even a boyfriend/girlfriend.

But why do we fear? I have no answers for everyone.

Lack of security.
Fear of not having enough (inadequacy) leads to greediness, which drives us insane to take more and want more of something we may not actually need.
Fear of being ignorant leads to dishonesty, where we make stuff up to make ourselves look good and worthy.
Realizing our fear of deficiency that may trap us inside the scarcity tunnel may be a solution for us not falling into it.
“It is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things in all that is allowed to the choice of our free will.” -Ignatius Loyola (1491–1556) and the Spiritual Exercises)

But why am I fear?

If adequacy gives us a “tunnel vision”, could we make use of it for the greater glory of God?

This is perhaps why Jesus says “How blessed are the poor in spirit: the kingdom of Heaven is theirs.” (Matthew 5:3)

When we think we are poor in spirit, we will focus on the spirit.

And perhaps, when we are having a tunnel vision on God, we put all our effort into seeking Him, and therefore having the kingdom of Heaven!

It suddenly makes so much sense.

Thanks God!

*The podcast episode mentioned here is the episode “Too Little, Too Much: How Poverty and Wealth Affect Our Minds” featured on Hidden Brain.

Spiritually poor

When we are deficient, we want more
When we are poor, we want more money
When we are hungry, we want more food
When we are insecure, we seek someone to depend on

Likewise, when we are spiritually poor, we seek God


"I seldom see people thirst for Christ like you."
This is the greatest compliment of my day

To be able to realize that I'm poor in Spirit draws me closer to Him
But that doesn't always happen to me

"These are the things no one can help you except yourself. You have to figure it out somehow and only you can do it"
- This was one of those encouragements that have lifted me up from so many hardships in the past
And that has also got me into a trap of isolation, even from God


But thanks for the reboot (yes, this is the term I used for confession) 😛
Eyes wide opened and inspired every day 🤓

Busy?

A sudden realization
Busy ≠ having hands-on work every second
Revolving your mind around work all the time just gradually eats up the motivation
Relax ≠ not doing anything
But takes one’s mind off from thoughts about work/potential work
Re-appreciating the nature and rediscovering the hobbies are good choices to go! 😛

God within my journey

It was a conference
It was unintentional (the hotel was not booked by me!)
But I felt so blessed when I discovered I am going to live right next to the university Catholic Centre during my stay in Washington D.C.! 


Finding God in all things?
It's God following me wherever I go 🤗

Haircut and thoughts....?

I went to a haircut two days ago. 
While I was in deep thoughts, the man in the salon asked if I wanted anything to read.
“No thanks,” I said.
“Do you want any magazines to read? I was scared that you are bored,” he replied.
“I’m fine, thanks. I’m just thinking about my life,” I joked.
He was stunned for few seconds. Then he joked, “that was an awesome answer. I do not know how to continue the conversation. Haha.”
Yet strange as it may sound, the conversation began. We talked from science communication to pesticides and to politics and so on.


The incident has prompted me with this thought – why do we need to do something all the time? 
Could we consider stillness as “something to do”? This is perhaps something I lack while I was in Hong Kong. 
My best times in prayers, are the time without words. 
Being there with Christ is my favorite form of prayer. 
And I find a similar enjoyment in my solitude time. 
Being still and let inspirations come.


And perhaps because I have experienced more solitude these days that I have become more chatty when I meet people 😛

15th parish visit in Canberra

Continuing my pilgrimage 
It’s my 15th parish visit at Canberra! 
I started it out just because of a passing thought
I didn’t expect I could visit 15 parishes in Canberra up to this date
And it’s not merely a visit, I did join in a mass or an event in every church I visited
It’s like when it’s for the glory of God, everything unfolds! 

"He IS always there for me"

Went to the Holy Spirit Church and inspired by the Holy Spirit [Church in Amaroo checked! 😛]
It is the First Eucharist Mass for kids! 
How lovely they are! Hope they could keep the faith to wherever they are

Continuing the conversation from yesterday evening
We went to church together, talking about consolation and desolation
"If desolation is the absence of God, 
I don’t think I have ever experienced desolation
I have times of anger and times of difficulty, 
but I have never experienced the absence of God. 
He is always there for me.”

It doesn’t matter what you do to find God, He is already here now.
It is not about the future, it is now.

How did you know it's a "yes" from God?

[Scenario: We were driving in a car and having casual chats about life in Australia.]

[Premise: Talking about decision-making]

How did you know it's a “Yes” from God?
“I won’t give you the direct answer. It’s like when you know someone very well, you know what they are going to do or plans without them even saying it. 
The spirit knows it. 
The spirit is actually stronger than the flesh.
You will know whether it’s from God or not if you know Him well enough.
This is my indirect answer to that.”

My eyes are wide open. 
How strong could the faith be to have such spiritual answer when one’s driving!

Let God be God

Morning pilgrimage @ St Brigid’s

A time for silence is ardently needed
There’s still so many inadequacies in me
I felt I couldn’t contain that anymore
I felt burdened 
And it comes to mind again - “Acknowledge” my limitations 
do the best according to my capability 
and let God be God



I’m also confused,
“Patience” is still the class I’m in

Thank you Father!

Happy Australian Father’s Day!

[No words could convey how grateful I am right now]
Lying on bed
Looking at the ceiling “I’m spoiled”

A day’s retreat at St Clement’s Retreat House
What a luxurious retreat!
Not only I’m perfectly well-fed 
But also the greens, the sheeps (I have never seen so many sheeps in one area in my life!), the dog, the sky, the starry night and the galaxies made me so blissful!
I’m really a spoiled kid of God


Yes, I’m no perfect and I have so much flaws
But super thanks to God for spoiling this child and giving the room and freedom for her to find her way
I might have a clearer picture of who this little girl is
Or perhaps, the flexibility for her to change and search for whatsoever passion(s) that may come up 
No doubt, it’s for the work of God


Tying back to the retreat’s theme, everything is driven by the Holy Spirit 
Looking forward to experiencing how the Spirit would further engineer me towards the Father and the Son

“Get up and eat"

I was seldom touched by scriptures from the Old Testament. But this is one.
The first reading on Sunday, the 19th Ordinary Times, 1 Kings 19:4-8)

“I have had enough, Lord,” Elijah said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” (1 Kings 19:4)

It resonates my heart. Yes, I’m a bit worn out. It is always great to go beyond limits and explore what’s out there. But the flesh is weak.
It needs rest.
I just found my motivation has gone, perhaps due to exhaustion. “I have had enough” (1 Kings 19:4)
Then, I know, I need a break.
— “I am no better than my ancestors.” (1 Kings 19:4)
It’s kind of a resounding theme of my earlier thoughts.
Why are we always comparing ourselves with other people?! Is that what makes us tiring and lost?


All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” (1 Kings 19:5)

And here comes my angel, who brought me not only good food but warmth and support.
It’s this angel who let me vent, and of course, recovered my motivation to cook and enjoyed a decent dinner.
It’s the most grateful thing here that I have this angel as my friend.
He ate and drank and then lay down again. (1 Kings 19:6)

The boost did help, but certainly not enough to carry on.
The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. (1 Kings 19:7-8)

And other angels come, offering another great social moment and energy to move forward.
Strengthened by that food, he traveled (1 Kings 19:8)

Perhaps the mountain of God is still far from reach for now.
Perhaps I’m just too impatient to go forward.
Perhaps it’s time to be gentle to thyself.
“Get up and eat"

Collections of Lk 1:38

I found myself always drawn to the paintings from Lk 1:38.

1) St Joseph Catholic Church (O’ Connor, ACT)

2) St Vincent De Paul (Aranda, ACT)

3)羅東聖母升天堂 (Yilan, Taiwan)

The "romantic" couple

Proudly presents this wonderful crazy couple, not so romantic (the photo can speak for itself), sometimes arguing with each other over small things, and has brought a crazy girl to life.

The best harmony is not without arguments, but arguments with harmony.

They are the best parents ever!

Conversation about faith

So this is a conversation I had with a friend yesterday about faith (wordings are not exact due to my poor memories):

“I have a problem reading the bible because it doesn’t make sense. Then my friend told me Bible is not read in that way.”
“Oh yea, it’s not meant to be read word by word.”
“And it’s illogical. How come the Israelites do not believed in God shortly after ten days when Moses was up hill for the Ten Commandments?”
“They were starving after a long period of walks fleeing from the Pharaoh.”
“It doesn’t make sense for them making themselves a new idol to worship after seeing those miracles God has done for them to free them from slavery.”
“It’s already after a while since they have left Egypt. Perhaps they were already counting on themselves with the food they have brought out of Egypt, and forgotten it’s God who has saved them from slavery and fed them. [The hardships at present have switched their focus to what they were lack of instead.] Sometimes we have take things for granted when we are already used to that and forgot.”

“They were starving... that makes more sense.
But the Old Testament doesn’t make sense, the New Testament is fine, the revelation is again not making sense.”

“The Old Testament is talking about strict rules and orders. The New Testament is wonderful as it focuses on love. The revelation... I have no idea. Ha.. To me, God is evolving too. Just like a mother won’t teach her baby about the three components of fire before scolding her baby for attempting to touch the fire. The Old Testament talks about rules and orders. Then Jesus comes to bring love - the New Testament - that the only rule is to love God and love thy neighbours. It makes sense to us now, because we are living in the present - we learn and know what is love. Just like our life journey, when we look back, we often find our past doesn’t make sense, and future? Uncertain and sometimes terrifying. Perhaps the same for revelation. We only find what’s making sense at the present moment, aren’t we?”

“Oh yea”

Classifications

這是個很深的感受，總感到這裡的人很喜歡劃定界線。
第一眼見到你，就會問：Where are you from? 大家都在同一所學校/大家一同參與會議/大家一同參與彌撒，大家都在做同一樣的事情，從哪裡來有什麼所謂嗎？

知道以後好像被界定了這個人的類型，然後猶如被分類，中國人一組，非澳洲人一組，非English as the first language 的一組...

歧視？我又不這樣認為，只是覺得很小圈子而已。而更有趣的是，中國人自然有他們的圈子，新加玻人有他們的團體，印度人有，印尼人有（甚至有印尼人玫瑰經小組）.... 而香港人嘛，一見到面好像怕會被黏著似的，一個個獨立個體。是希望融入當地人的圈子嗎？還是從小就在國外長大不想與香港人交流嗎？這大概是一個很有趣的研究課題。

話說回來，其實有必要把自己界定是什麼人嗎？

每個人都是當下的這個自己吧。

對，這是有時間性的，今天的我打倒昨日的我其實沒有問題呀！

一生人從小到大一成不變不才是有問題嗎？

人總是會長大，好好的成長就是了。

Self discovery

Bus journeys are always a perfect time for reflections.

到了Canberra快五個月，遇到的挑戰可謂一籮籮，到現在也終於開始settle down了。

剛來進駐的那間怪屋，跟5隻雞和一隻老鼠做housemate，一個會在後院自己搭小屋的老人家，搭小屋從梯子掉下卻血流披面也要自行駕車去醫院，然後再發現屋裡的怪味原來是那位不願意洗澡的老人家的體味...

這個當時覺得很痛苦的經歷卻成了現在茶餘飯後的笑話。


原來自己的彈性適應力是可以增長得那麼快。我還在碰碰撞撞的去研究自己到底是怎樣的，可以為天主做怎樣的事。

從前的我很想要一個肯定清楚明澈的答案，現在發現，原來過程本身就是答案的一部分。

突然想起那幅圖：「一個人搬大石上山，石頭看似沒有絲毫移動，人的臂力卻培增了；最後那塊石頭究竟有沒有上到山似乎並不重要，那個人的增長才是重點」

大概開放的心才是所需要的吧

Being comfort with uncertainties
God of surprises

大概都是這個道理吧

"You know how? We just decided to.”

When I was doing my PhD, I felt it was the hardest thing that I have ever done. It was stressful.

When I was preparing and taking HOKLAS accreditation assessment, I felt that was even more challenging. The accreditation body was not obligated to grant me a pass. It was stressful.

When I am coping with several different new roles at the same period of time - from research to internship to volunteers in new positions that I have never imagined for myself, that is even more unsettling. It is stressful.


The problem at present is always the most difficult problem in the world, to be specific, in my world.
When looking back, that previous “hardest” problem has turned out to be nothing at all.

Some say, this all shall pass.
But to me, that just seems to emphasize how hard is the current problem.
"Just try" - this is my philosophy.

I still have no idea, but I’ve taken steps to go forward.
I might be wrong.
Because I’m no perfect, I could go wrong.
So what? Figure it out, somehow.
It is not about positive thinking, it's just the only choice.

"I'm not those guys." "I'm betting all my money on you're wrong."
...
"You know how? We just decided to.”
Taken from the script of the “The Newsroom” (S1Ep1).
https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=the-newsroom&episode=s01e01

Self Discovery

Finally got some time for silence. 

With new and unexpected challenges each day, I discovered the other side of myself that I would have never thought about.

1.) I did a science talk in a pub. 

2.) I did a performance and led a game activity with people. 

3.) I did cantoring in mass. 

4.) I am going to live with a dog and I am not frightened but find it cute. (GREAT surprise friends!)

With heaps of thing every day, I felt guilty for not having time for contemplation as I used to be. 

Then, I suddenly saw this amazing sunset and the calming lake.

The peace fils up my heart with consolation.

He is really the God of surprises.

Bicycle story

So here’s the story goes: 

I got a punctured tyre yesterday (Sunday) after riding back from a “Dutch Festival” in the city.
Since thunderstorm was coming at the time I left, I put it in the city, hoping to find someone to deal with it today (Monday).

Then my friend’s boyfriend just happened to be in town and he’s an expert in bicycles. (Yeah!)

He helped me to inspect the bike today, just to find out that there were many small holes throughout the tyres. Perhaps because I have been to the new place and didn’t pay attention to the situation of the road. (Urgh…)

So I went to stores and finally found the inner tyre for repair. (Yeah!)

And I went back just to find out we did not have a spanner. (Urgh…)

I asked the residence village to borrow one and they refused, but finally after my sincere request, they have lent me the spanner.
Then we fixed the tyres. (Yeah!)

And I went to the bicycle pump station just to find out its nozzle doesn’t well-fit my tyre…
"Am I still not going to make it after all these efforts?!"  (Urgh…)

Then suddenly a passerby asked me if I need help. He helped me to pump while I held and fixed the position of the nozzle. So the tyres are finally done! (Yeah!)

What a roller-coaster day...

Opening up

It feels so good when I have opened myself to new experiences. Yes, it’s the spark during Easter vigil that has enlightened me. 

I wasn’t enjoying because I felt so incompetent compared to peers. But we are not created for comparisons. God didn’t say “it was good” because A is better than B. We have all our unique trajectory and let’s continue to compose our own story. Troubles won’t go away with this spark, but happiness re-enters with this awareness of living in the moment.

Picture taken from Mt Majura. So I’ve promoted hiking from HK to here! Perhaps I could form another “hiking group” here!

Happy Easter!

The Vigil mass has excited me (to the n^th energy state :P)

I am both the reader and the cantor tonight!

Neither being the reader for Vigil, nor doing it with English has made me nervous. I have been a reader for years! It is when I realized just 30 minutes before the mass that father has sent me the wrong reading yesterday. Grasping the pronunciation of the unfamiliar biblical names in such a narrow time did make me a little nervous. Coincidentally, the theme of my reading was “The Lord will Provide”. I couldn’t help but laugh, how amazingly God is providing me with such comfort to go ahead! 

But that’s not that worried me. I would have never pictured myself singing solo without music in front of people, let alone a crowd. I was also the cantor for one of the psalms tonight! I was literally super nervous and kept reciting the melody over my head.

Yes, I made it! 

Then I am suddenly aware of my feeling, that I feel good when I think I am doing “better” than others, and I feel bad when I felt I am doing “worse” than others. 

It is the “comparison” that made me feel low, inferior and unconfident. 

Yes, I admit that I always make comparisons in my head. I feel extremely incompetent when I saw people achieving so much better than me. I would question myself how come I could not reach that height that people pass through so easily. 

There were people who praised me. Yet, when I found myself could not achieve what peers have done, I felt so low and unworthy. I admired people who have great achievements, but I just could not accept myself as being so incomparable to them. 

Tonight, I suddenly realise, it is the “Comparison” that have drawn me down.

We all have our own unique story and we are not created to compare.

"God saw how good it was." (Genesis 1) He did not even say it was good because light is better than dark. 

He did not make any judgments, so why am I here judging myself?

Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir.” Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you.” (John 8:10-11)

Thanks for raising my awareness to “comparison” this Easter. 

Hope that I could really “resurrect” in this Easter!

"We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength, and we will fly like the eagle, we will rise again.” - We Will Rise Again by David Haas

First ever retreat in Canberra

What are you in for? Are you seeking God’s will or are you finding a God of your will?

I thought I was finding His way, for the greater glory of God. But when struggles came, I have resolved to my usual own way. 

I laid down the palms on the road to welcome Jesus, but I have turned to Caesar.

Is this the thought that the Jews have when they welcome Jesus, yet when struggles and hardships came, they have chosen Caesar?

Perhaps the take-home message, as with many of the retreats, is the Love. The Love that you’re loved no matter what you do. He could be up high, but he has incarnated and to be with you. He feasted and fasted, glorified and struggled, lived and died. He used his life journey to demonstrate love. So, go love and be loved. 

How you will spend your Saturday? 🎵

Finally got some time for a walk

Trying to find some tourists sightings in the town

And discover this “bible garden” in the city

Amazingly great place for recollection 

Listening to “Fall in love” in the centre of Labyrinth Maze and fall in love

“Let’s fall in love, let’s stay in love, it will decide everything” 🎵

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERswvKOmAKU

Photos:

Beautiful pictures from Christianity centre and Bible Garden

Walk along the Lake Burley Griffin:

Snapshots from the Skyfire 2018 at Canberra:

And of course, heavy traffic afterwards!